The inevitable question of, “What am I doing with my life?” keeps me up at night and I find myself fantasizing about it for 2-3 hours through out every day. I think one of the things they don’t teach you in school is how important it is to help others in addition to ourselves.
When we’re little we’re taught to share our toys. When we’re in high school we play sports that emphasize teamwork. When we’re adults we get into relationships that are built on the foundation of partnership. Somewhere along the way lines get blurred and we don’t want to share our toys, we take the shot when we should’ve passed the ball, and we forget to do the dishes.
So, what am I doing with my life?
Well, I sit behind a desk for 8 hours a day. That’s 40 hours a week. That’s 2,400 minutes I’ll never get back and we’re just talking about one week here. I could go on, but you know how to use Google…
So, this desk I sit behind, is kind of like an invisible lease. You know when you’re walking down the street and you see a dog sitting in a yard only then as he starts to run back and forth you realize he’s stuck behind an invisible fence? Well my desk is my invisible fence. Sometimes I feel like the moment I walk into work my soul leaves my body and decides it’s not risking its energy for another day at the office and I’m left feeling depleted of energy and motivation.
I think part of the problem is I let myself think, “Is this all there is?” Get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, rinse, wash, repeat for the rest of my life? I’ve never seen the movie, but it sure seems like the context of Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray.
“But Jules, if you could describe your dream job what would it be?”
I don’t know.
But it sure as hell isn’t chained to a desk until I’m 65.
Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to post again. I’m tired of being tired of repeating the same cycle. I don’t feel like I have anything of substance to contribute. I think that’s how a lot of people feel though. I think a lot of people get stuck on the hamster wheel too afraid to get off because of the dizzy spell after but what happens when the dizzy spell goes away and suddenly, your feet are planted on the floor.
What happens next?
What’s important to me is sharing my story. Showing the world that it can knock you down again and again like waves crashing on shore but just like any storm the rainbow follows to give you hope, again.
I’ve been on a weight loss journey for just over a year now, I’ve lost a little over 50 pounds, yet I’ve hit a roadblock and have tried anything and everything to move into the next achievement, 60 pounds lost. You may look at me and think I’m fine the way I look and don’t need to continue losing weight, but I’ll tell you that I’m still a work in progress. We can choose our goals and it is perfectly acceptable to strive for them.
The thing is, weight loss is not a direct shot. Sometimes you fall off track, decide to get back on then fall off again a few weeks later. Sometimes you have a bad day and decide pizza > cardio. Sometimes you just have to say F*CK IT. I get discouraged every now and then in my own progress when I look at other people’s transformations but it’s just a highlight reel. You don’t see the struggle that person went through. You don’t know how many hours that person slaved in the gym when all they wanted was a cookie. You don’t know how long it took someone to drop a pant size. Guess what, I don’t either. I could ask them and I’m sure as hell they’d be happy to share because determination takes dedication. I’ll repeat myself, DETERMINATION TAKES DEDICATION.
Damn, I just gave myself the kick in the ass I didn’t know I needed. Ok time to go run a mile. JK.
But seriously, part of my journey is sharing my story. Part of my story is the grit. A lot of grit. And a lot of shit.
By sharing my updates about my weight loss, you can see that it’s not just BOOM 5lbs down! It’s me sitting behind a desk for 8 hours counting down the minutes (480 to be exact) until I can go home and meal prep for the next day. It’s me working through some heavy shit in the past, every other Monday at therapy (*Shout out Dr. Nina*). It’s me going to bed at 9pm, not because I’m a grandma, but because I find that a 4:30am workout is easier (sometimes) than a 6pm workout after an 8hr work day followed by an hour commute home.
If this post helps just one person than I can say my job for the day is done. We strive for human connection. That’s what gets us out of bed every day. I’m not talking about the job I just spent the last 5 minutes complaining about, I’m talking about real soul to soul connection. So if this helps you please let me know. Let me know what else you want me to share? Where are you at in life right now?